People keep telling me that I shouldn't bottle up my feelings, so here you go.

I was just laying in bed, thinking about school tomorrow. I remember back when I was just starting college, and how it seemed like a fun, new experience. Now, however, when I'm up late trying to talk with some friends and have to cut it short because I notice that the clock says 2 am, I groan at the thought of having to be up in 4 hours for a days worth of classes. No longer is it something exciting, it's high school all over again: sitting in a classroom, barely able to focus, let alone understand, what I'm being told, only this time, I don't have any friends with me, just my drug-ridden sister who has just as little motivation for class as me for company, except that this time, I'm paying for this waste of time with my own money (or rather, financial aid, which will probably end up being like 5x what I should be paying in the long run). All throughout senior year in high school, each teacher I had had said at one point or another "college isn't for everyone". I'm only in community college, not even a university or anything, and already I'm beginning to feel that I'm one of those people who just can't handle it, the reading, the papers, anything. It doesn't help that just about everywhere I go, people are also saying that I won't get anywhere in life without a college diploma these days. I don't even know what the fuck I want to do with my life, if anything anymore, so here I am struggling to keep my slipping grades above a passing mark while trying to find some possible reason for doing so.

So mom came to me today and told me that I need to get a job. Nothing new there. However, she also added that if I don't have one soon, I won't be able to live with her anymore. See, my parents are getting divorced on top of everything else, and we're going to be losing this house. I don't know when, but it's going to be soon. And mom will have to move into an apartment with Brianna, who knows if it will be here or back in NY or in fucking Alaska. God only knows how she'll be able to support just her and Brianna, nevermind Kerrin and I as well, because we're so far in debt that any money she might make from any job she gets would go to credit card companies or whatever. So basically, I have to get a job to support myself, and I have a dark feeling that Kerrin and I will both have to sacrifice part of our earnings for them as well.

Then we'll add to this my own personal feelings and emotions, and the crushing loneliness that's been enveloping me all month. I had to turn down an invitation a week ago from Burgess to go to the movies because I simply could not pay for it. I don't even think I replied to his texts because I was so upset with everything going on.

Back when I was dating Chii, she told me that one thing she had a problem with was that I didn't seem motivated to make something of myself. Well, here's the reason for that. I'm so overwhelmed by failure and hopelessness that I quite honestly can not possibly see how we're going to make it through this. It's been nothing but downhill for the last 9 years. I've tried by hardest to keep up the facade that everything is fine, that there's nothing to worry about. Here is the truth. I have broken, only just holding on by the thinnest of threads. And only now, when I'm laying awake dreading the sound of the alarm in three hours, do I feel need to let it all out. Probably because it's simply impossible for me to mentally restrain it anymore.